After Easter Sunday

By Dan Carpenter on 4/19/10

Sometimes God speaks softly - sometimes he shouts. Currently, I’m a little bit deaf from it all.

On Easter Sunday, something remarkable happened to me - Brandon’s experience ‘jumped’ whole from his heart & head into mine. I walked out of church a slightly different person than the one who had walked in.

You see - I’ve quit.

I’ve quit more times than I care to think about. And, I’m done. I’m going to get some ink so that I NEVER forget the experience I just had, so that I have a daily reminder for the rest of my life of the course I just walked.

I’m not David. I’m not Elijah. I’m not Samuel - and I’m certainly not Jesus. I’m a dude. A dude that found God’s grace not at a tender age but at 27 - with a LOT of habits, struggles, and ideas already established. I can’t speak for everyone but I know that I can speak for many - I’m not alone with this. Learning to submit, really submit, throughout years of good times and bad is HARD. Most of us who find Christ later in life do so for a reason - we get hurt. We get hurt bad. Usually, though not always, we do this to ourselves; that’s my story anyways.

Wounded, broken, we limp into God’s grace, a haven from our own egos and unfortunate tendencies - and there we find redemption. We find comfort form our addictions, our habits, our relationships and all the other consequences of a fully self directed life. And you know what happens then? Things get better. Fast. God MOVES. He winds you, he whips you, he infuses your life with a passion you might or might not have ever felt before. Regardless, those of us who have found him later in life get to experience, amidst whatever wreckage we brought with us in finding him, an amazing revival of spirit and passion for life.

We heal. We grow. We begin to live - aware and alive in a unique way; a natural consequence of the adult mind overthrowing the old order whilst God works his miracles of spirit. And then, when things get better, when we feel healed, you know what we do? What so many of us do? We graduate ourselves.

We take credit.

We, without so much as a passing ‘thank you,’ conclude to ourselves silently that we did it - that we healed ourselves. The rationales are many - we created an ‘idea’ of God to ‘use’ in our ‘process,’ we feel embarrassed of our emotional faith, we don’t agree with ‘everything’ therefore we will agree with ‘nothing.’ All of which is crap. Complete and total crap.

Here’s the honest truth, and you need to not only not hold it against us but also understand it: we’re terrified of not having control. We became adults while believing we had that control, and broken, we gave it up. A bird with a broken wing will rest awhile but eventually fly again - in the same way those of us who find Christ as adults have a natural tendency to make excuses, to rationalize, and to try to fly on our own power again.
Except…. it isn’t a natural tendency is it? It’s our weaknesses - it’s our broken parts - being played like a harp by the enemy. Which is funny if you think about it - our very desire to have control, to dominate our own lives- to play God unto ourselves is nothing but the manipulation of one who wants us to have less control than God does, who loves us.

Irony is thick on the ground in this creation, that’s for sure.

I’m writing this because I know that many of you struggle with the same things I do. Brandon’s recent sermons are written for us - you are not alone. Doubt, I’ve often said, is the cornerstone of belief. And, that’s true - you cannot find truth without asking questions. However, there is a thin line between seeking truth and gratifying the self. If you’re like me, you need to watch that line very carefully.

You have amazing potential. It takes guts and courage to find Christ and to submit as an adult - I know. It says a lot about you. But it’s only the first step, the road is long and you will be tested. I’ve been tested.

Sometimes I’ve failed - sometimes I’ve passed. Which was which doesn’t matter - what matters is to own it, to remember, to grow, and most of all - to change. To learn to stick by God in the good times as you’d have him stick by you in the bad. To learn to take the fruits of your ‘need’ for control, duality, and independence and make them positive items in your walk with Christ. And, there’s only one way to do that:

Stand up, look yourself in the eye, look God in the eye, and admit you were wrong. Grow. Evolve. Change. If you’re like me then you’ve walked down the same road many times - and never minding it’s hurts, you find comfort in the familiarity of it all. Don’t. Let it run wild, let it run free - let go. Put your ego behind you and quit betting on yourself - you don’t need to play double or nothing. Put your bet on God, and let him do what he does - there is more freedom in this than there is in being a slave to your own weaknesses.

And most importantly, above all, never forget. Get a tattoo, talk about it constantly, annoy your friends and family - be what you were called to be: a disciple of Christ. Because my friends that’s what you are. Like the crew from the New Testament, you found God as an adult. There’s a reason the apostles went everywhere they could and wouldn’t shut up about God - because accepting that kind of change as an adult is HUGE. We’re talking about the key to the universe here: of course you want to shout it from the rooftops and act ridiculous. My advice? Do so.

You are put in a position where you are called to share the change, to live it, embrace it, celebrate it, and give definition to it. The other option is to ignore it. There is no middle ground. That comfy place you spent most your life where things are neither black nor white, where you can dither and wither on the vine - it doesn’t exist and never has. That’s the challenge for us - we need to let that go. To make it work you have to let it work - you have to get out of your own way and let God show you. And, the beautiful thing is, he will. Again and again and again if he has to. Do yourself a favor, learn it once and learn it right. Once you make yourself a battle ground for faith you will always be one - there’s no way back down that road. You cannot ‘unsee’ what you have seen. Nor can you remove from your heart the memory of Gods love. Having felt it you will always crave it, just make sure you don’t forget.

Take it from one who knows God’s love and who has walked away in steps both large and small many times: let go & remember that to let go was the only truly free choice you ever actually had.

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